First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
