I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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