I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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