my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Randomize
