i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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