btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
The dick lei will go down in squad history
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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