Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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