All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
