I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
