Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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