Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Randomize
