My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
