So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
