I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
