god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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