Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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