I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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