are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
