I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
