he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
