update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Randomize
