Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
