Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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