when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
