This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
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We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
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I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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