Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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