I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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