So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He felt like a one man threesome
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
