I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
