This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
