Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Of course I have a pirate flag
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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