so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
