ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Randomize
