So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
