You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
