she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
The beer is more important than you right now.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
