dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Hippo gnu deer
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
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