god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
