So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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