And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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