my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
