Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
