We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
