Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
