Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Randomize
