I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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