The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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