Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize