You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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