I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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