I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
