I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
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Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
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I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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